They have brought out the big guns now. I am on strong,controlled, painkillers and boy do I need it. With still so much to go I wonder how I will cope. Finding eating and drinking enough really hard through the tube. Sleeping is tough because of the state of my mouth and the icky mucus. I will just have to hunker down and look for inspiration where I can. Not much from the Saints last night.

Rachael is my lift to the hospital today. I hope I can be some company. Will need to take various foods and drugs so that I do not get low.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It must not break me.


3 thoughts on “Morphine

  1. Whilst a sledge hammer isn’t necessary for cracking a nut, it’s darn useful when knocking down a wall – big times call for big guns, they’re there in your armoury, so use them! As Barry from those annoying cleaning product adverts would say; “One pill and BANG! the pain is gone!” So please, pop away… just don’t over do it! With Rachael driving you today, I’m wondering if it will be best if you take the medication before you get in the car – feeling slightly out of it may make the journey feel that bit safer! (only joking Rachael!)
    Back here staff are trying not to drown under a sea of reports and grades and parents evenings and stuff and stuff and stuff… it’s busy as you can imagine. What’s more we’re also needing to look ahead to next term as calendar dates etc all need to be submitted by the end of the week. With advent looming I suggested to the children that they just take the time it takes to let the chocolate from their advent calendars melt in their mouth to be still and be mindful of what is going on in their lives. Take those moments to be thankful for what they have, to remember those in tough times and think what they could do to spread some hope, peace love and joy (the advent candles).
    As I write I have 12 ‘Shellies’ (is that their official name or are they Shellers?) in REST writing wishes/prayers and placing them on the bubble tube. For most it’s like a game but some do enjoy being still for a few minutes.
    I know what you mean about not wanting the treatment to break you – and I certainly understand that you don’t want to be broken in front of family and friends. Yet I also know that sometimes, in a safe place, we need to be broken. Elijah, Jonah, even Jesus, all found that place before God and, as my mother in law would say, “lost it”. They railed against what they were going through in no uncertain terms. It’s a painful place that none of us want to dwell in, but I know that often through brokenness God can break through and bring that peace ‘beyond our understanding’. That peace which strengthens us for the challenges ahead.
    Tonight I’m serving behind the bar at the senior school production of Cabaret and best of all, I need to dress in 30s get up – marvellous. The ‘tache, slicked back hair, cravat and waistcoat will actually be in the right decade for once and not out of place! I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
    Before then, just one set of senior school reports to complete… arrghh!
    Take care sir, thinking of you (all)


  2. Mark – all things considered, you were awesome company today. I only hope I didn’t tire you too much. It was a humbling insight into your current world …. But PLEASE … Keep the PEG busy – and the fluids topped up – that’s what it’s there for!
    I hope so much that you attempted some tinned pears – and keep the thought of the ice cold coke in mind – and start writing that list!
    I have forgiven Mogs ( 😉 ) for his driving comments –
    He now owes me!
    Hold on to the thought that this time next week you will be on the brink of the last chemo session and the radiotherapy will be down to single digits.
    So many people are willing you through this – Hope you can feel the Lurve xxx


  3. Oi Selfy,

    show us your jars!… I realise that those new to the site may think that such a request is not only bang out of order but also totally insensitive considering what you’re going through. But you know and we know that that image of your jars now being lob-sided in your favour may give everyone a boost, knowing that you’re on you’re way out of this wood… sorry, we’ve been using mountain metaphors and now I’m talking woods…sorry. Report-i-mortis is setting in!

    Just dashing to the dentist, write later about last night’s Cabaret.



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